QotD: I wish I could...

Play any instrument or speak any language, which do you choose?
Question submitted by cruftbox.vox.com.

Hah. This one's easy; I'd speak a language that sounded like an instrument. Speech like Johnny Marr on guitar. Or like rock-filled lutes thrown over a cliff into a crowd of Renaissance Fairegoers, there's a language I could pick up quickly. A dialect that sounded like John Coltrane playing "Summertime" into a soprano sax filled with custard would, I think, be the funniest goddamn dialect ever. And the messiest. You'd need a bib just to get the time of day from me.

How about a language expressed entirely in clothes? Informal chit-chat would be jeans and a Tshirt. A sales pitch would require a polyester jacket. Business jargon would be expressed in speedos, bowties and one of those joke arrows through the head. And my former boss, no matter what he was saying, would wear an asshat.

Unfortunately, in the Republic of Overupinhereia, none of these languages are possible. There's only one language, and it's called Language,which each One of Us is born knowing. Every word in Language has only one meaning. There's no ambiguity, except for the word Ambiguity, which no One quite knows the meaning of. I think. At Language Class we recite Word in Dictionary along with Teacher in alphabetical order. Sometimes, because there's only One of Everything in Overupinhereia, a Thing breaks or decays so much that it's no longer recognizable, and the Word is removed from Dictionary. Our family used to own Car until it broke down one day, and since Garage had burned down a few years before, Car suddenly became Useless Piece Of Shit. Teacher removed Car from Dictionary the next day with Clogged Bottle of White Out. We hope Dictionary burns or gets lost, because then there'll be no more crappy Language Class.